Saturday March 29, 2008
Monologue – Female, mid 20’s.
I am unsure. Wholly and surely, I am unsure. About everything. I am unsure of myself, my opinions, people’s perception of me, fabrications of my self-perception, everything. I used to know myself. I think I may or may not have been aware of what constitutes knowing oneself and will have just assumed I did. I would like that bliss again because being unsure is weak and makes you think of excuses – “its okay to feel this way, its healthy, its normal, everyone goes through this” – And, what are you really thinking? Everyone does go through this, but that doesn’t change the uncertainty of your own mind. Uncertainty of your whole being defines nothing about who you are, only who you aren’t. He is not what you are looking for. Why can’t you bring yourself to believe that, Carrie? He drips of perfection in the most mediocre of means and will worship you till no end. You don’t see what he sees. You don’t see yourself in his eyes. It is beyond trying to make it work, you are unsure of him and that is enough.
I don’t want to see myself in my own eyes nor anyone else’s. I’m suffering from uncertainty to hide from any truths and boring truces I have with myself. Blissful ignorance makes me the dusty static of insignificance wasting in a world full of better things.
